Starting off I should say, I LOVE the new school. I can’t think of a time when I didn’t resent working hard and when I genuinely enjoyed being in the classroom as much as I do now. Of course, it’s not without problems. I had a kid blurt out, “Miss, do you have a thing for cows?” in bio. Or the one who, in lit, looked at me to make sure he had my attention then wiped his papers right off on the floor. But I don’t think of this school gig as a time-suck or a life-eater. I’m perfectly happy for right now to just have this life. That’s as much job satisfaction as I could ask for. I had always counted on this being my last year but if my school wants to keep me, I’ll be there. Five-year plan be damned.
Getting to the title: My future at the school isn’t a done deal. I feel enormous pressure to earn my keep. Or maybe more accurately, I’m putting the pressure on myself. As I’m a fretter by nature, this makes me a little nutty. (Not anywhere near as nutty as previous months, thankfully!) Because I dropped in out of the sky in January, I don’t always know what I’m doing. Some procedures that everyone knows, I’m completely clueless about. Plus, everyone knows each other. They’ve been working together since at least August, and I feel like the new kid in town. I don’t, nor have I ever, found children intimidating (except for babies – they’re so breakable – but that’s beside the point) but adults I find very intimidating. Particularly peers. I feel like I constantly have forehead-slapping moments out of my unintentional gaffes or my attempts to fit in. I am the embodiment of the Counting Crow’s line, “she finds it hard to act normal when she’s nervous.”
I have every confidence that eventually I will calm down and be able to act normal. In the meantime, I hope my coworkers will be able to bear with me and give me the benefit of the doubt until I stop acting like an alien.
Until then, I probably shouldn’t wear my sock monkey hat to work.